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Hey all i'm Jill aka Puppy Girl, Reiko, Dumb Dog, Baka etc... I dunno what else i'm called. There's alot of crap i've been through and i dont always wanna blab to friends about it so it ends up here. It's never friends only cause i'm too lame for that. JUST ADD ME AND LOVE ME!

This is my getaway space.

Yes . But here's the catch i'm moving over to <lj user="everfree_dx"> (Ever free deluxe plushie for you twits who think it means something sick)

Yea, it's a recycled one of mine, but i like it nonetheless.
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BOOOOOOREDOM.

Like i update here and nobody comments anymore.

DO PEOPLE NOT LOVE ME?

>>. hmmm if i jump off a bridge will people love me then>
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I THINK.

I think i'm getting itchy about my username.. i might get another journal.. there's been a rampage of me trying to recleanse myself of things like that remind me of which i was...

and.

really i dont know why i'm being this bad. I need a place to get away from it all.. to sit and bleh without reminders about who i was.

I'm gonna probably delete this account and my old one.

>< i know it's soon.. because i just got this one in may.. but i might see if i can't ressurect an old account of mine instead.
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Crazy Is as Crazy ODESZ

XD so i misspelled crazy.

Anyways. I overreacted over a few things my head spins about with and really all i needed to do was just admit i'm me and i'm gonna remember things.  Repression was never an option when i threw out my transitioning phase, all i did was remembered i'm me..

WITH THE FREAKING LAMPSHADE OVER MY HEAD COS IM THE FUCKIN LIFE OF THE PARTY! >)

ok so maybe i lied a bit about the life of theparty thing... but i do consider wearing lampshades an accessoriziable option.. ._. shut up it's cool.


Edit:

Self Abuse 101: When all falls down smack yourself til your blue in the face.  Make yourself feel worthless, then blame it on someone else until people give you a pity party.  Write about it on your most poignant LJ entry, cry about it.. make someone pay attention to you because you're down, smack yourself more... make it known how insane you are, smack yourself more..  break a few bones, get in trouble with everyone you know.

Then lock yourself up.

There you go Jill, you now have a plan to self destruct. Go and Do as you please.

(Plz note, all options are there, none are requried to show your insanity.. as ADHD doesn't exist where you live, go on and jump off a bridge you silly twit.)
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Ok i know this sounds crazy, this is what i wanted ... and most of the time i feel like i really do want it..

But somedays i feel myself slipping, which is weird cause the way i used to see it was that if i was having a girly day something was wrong.. I don't wanna go off bitching about it to anyone cause it's just nothing new..  But I'm feeling myself slipping into a rut ..  and  i dont get it , i dont understand why.   Maybe i've been repressing myself ab it much..? .. I dont know, and i dont fucking care, this isn't fair.   I sit here looking at the pictures on my laptop of the days i used to think i was a guy.. and i feel like that's not really me...

But i'm just...

I've got this thing where i dont get where i went wrong still with alot of things... things remind me alot of maria, and i could see myself running into her arms for some stupid reason.  This is why i stopped talking to her, because i knew i'd be drawn to her somehow even tho we didnt get along much afterwards...

I want to end this. I want to end this nasty feeling of reversion... i've been in a nasty cycle since i started my original journey last year...

The rest will just be history when i can finally really be happy.. i'm happy.. but i want to be happier, because i'm sick of the middle ground.
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Mom and i are still fighting and things are becoming more and more on the rocks.  She's thrown in that she cries every time we argue because she does not have the energy left. I don't write this as a "yea right wtf.. bitch!" ... i write it because i dont know how to totally control what goes on in my head evidently. I don't listen to anyone that tells me anything because i auto-defend myself.. and i'm starting to see that i'm becoming very.. complacent in my position with some of my friends that i'm doing it to them now too... and i did it to my psychologist... and i do it to everyone.

I HATE having ADHD, because unless i seek out change in someway..  i can juts convince myself to just stay here the rest of my life and get even more fat and stupid and lazy.  And it's true, iv'e watched my dad do it.  I don't want to live on unemployment, i don't want to live alone and with my parents the rest of my life.  But my mom's got a point -- at the rate i'm doing it... why not? ... How can i change without stopping this bandwagon routine?

I've gained weight again, I'm probably back to 275 at the worst, sad to say it but i've been on my ass everyday of the week. I hardly clean -- mom's getting realy shit off at how long it takes me before i'm tired. "You shouldn't have to rest when you clean". This being said people we have a really SMALL house,  like two rooms, one bathroom and open plan living/kitchen. (Most people think massive apartment i think dinky 85 sq meter house.)

I'm on SL, MSN etc way too much and at a detriment to everything else.

Am i subjecting myself to self torutre... parental torture? I Dont' know, i seriously don't know..

Without a psycholgoist to tell me how much of a retard i am,  i dont know.
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I'm an attention whore and i need to stop. 

I'm tired of feeling like everything SHOULDNT revolve around me but i manage to make it happen that way anyways.. I'm tired of trying to do everything one way and failing.  Cause all i feel like right now is a failure.

 I'm 24, unemployed..

and i just can't find a job , and i can't make money, and the fact that money's supposed to buy you happiness is bullshit, shopping only makes me more depressed, because then i'm buying shit i dont need.. shit that i'm not proud of anymore. things that my family says are a waste of money...

iv'e got like a laptop i dont need, an external hard drive i dont need.. toys i dont need.. dvds i dont need..

food i've bought i didint need...

ya know it's not cause people are starving in china, it's cause i damn well feel like i fail.

I can't seem to come to a point where i can stop crying about things, FINE and dandy that there's no reason to cry anymore.. but what happens when i do, when i feel like a failure again? When i feel like everything's coming to a stop, and while things should feel like they're going up.. they're not?

It's probabyl just me right now, probably just how i feel right now.. i'll probably be better tomorrow...

but i just feel like i get in everyone's way.. i and i waste everyone's time causei  cant do anything right...


it's just like me to get myself on a good row of up and suddenly crash all over again... just because i fucked up.....
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But! An all around happy one. I'm still tired of my mom controlling me, but i got no choice really -- let's put it this way, i've got ADHD and i make some damn dumb choices. It's only right for my mom to want to help me, and shit -- even tho i hate it half the time, it's a parent's job to watch over their kids.

I went looking at a letter "i'd" written myself in may i think it was, i do quotation marks cause this was before i'd killed off justin adn saitou :P lol.... how nice of a mun am i? KILLING PEOPLE OFF? :P hey, i really did it this time tho, i really did kill them off.. i look at mako and go ">> when is he gonna turn into sai and hump my leg?" but he doesnt, and it makes me sigh a releif :P  cause Sai and Justin just never behaved! : D ANYWAYS a letter thing, yea... this was technically one side of me to another, but y'know with help from the ol' char/muse boyo...  I'm not gonna type the letter out cause it's a load of crud i dont wanna reread : D  Basically, it entitled some issues that basically.. i tried to be what i wasn't, and while there's some issues with one or two people that don't totally understand -- it's more that i'd convinced myself of a trend of TRUTH that wasn't TRUTH for me. I beat myself up to teach myself a lesson, and in the end? .... Well i got my gender issues and pretty much my sexuality issues sorted.

Yea, i'm pretty much straight.. but there's been a few bends to this popsicle stick.

But yea. The letter kinda stirred up the things i dont totally want to remember but should because they are me .. it was me.. it still is.. it's just that if i repress it ... like i did being a girl, it'll explode.. i'll have a relapse, i'll go off and convince myself i'm male again and i'm not >O.  I'm a bratty ass tomboy :P.  I'm a bratty little puppy girl who's leashed to her best friends lol

Like most people say: You think too much, you over analyze things..

And i do.  This is how i came over this, i stopped thinking about what i needed to be, and just became me again.  I've noticed that the full 360 degree turn around where i become me more than i was two months ago, is already settling in.  I don't force my voice to do anything, i let it do what it wants.  I wear tshirts, and dressier shirts... my Second Life avatar reflects sort of my style i guess.. when i'm not wearing slutty clothes lol.  I've enjoyed the company of the opposite sex more, because i dont always fit in with the girls -- i'm not nessescarily one of these "CITY" or "FARM" tomboys.. I"m a NERDY TOMBOY, i grew up on video games... comic books -- cartoons you name it.  I did play barbies as a kid, but usually it was dragonlance, x-men... all that crap.

This is why i beleived i think that i wasn't a girl, even tho obviously my intelligence lead me down the wrong path.  Is because i fit in less with the girls around me... because i'm usually outspoken, foot in mouth and i think alot about myself.  (Like yea, hello what female in the world likes to tolerate women that act like guys unintentionally even as tomboys?)  I'm not a girly girl, and neither is my mom... i'm not a lesbian either, cause like even tho you lesbians rock ... lol, some o' you drive me insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane.

Yea and i know i'm on a rampage, i know i'm writing too much.

But i'm tired, and i need to talk it out in a form my brain can see.

I tried to talk to maria once in the last month...

That's what proved it was totally done for me, if i'dve stayed the way i was ...i could've switched voices and talked with her about things ... but i wanted no more than a social chick call lol, i forgot in all my blindless mindless talk that i needed to ask for my things back..

I don't actually miss her much anymore, that part of me ... it's pretty much dead and in the ground to quote a daughtry song.

...i have the yellow brick road ahead, and i need to walk it no matter how high it gets or low it gets... it's my challenge, it's my road and i gotta walk it.
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lol specially for those who expected me to have my mother NOT at home cause of the dog... (NOT LIKE YOU CHECK YOUR LIVE JOURNAL THAT OFTEN CAUSE I NEVER POST ANYMORE!) 

lol but ANYWAYS.

I'll be home around one. XD . Yah.  THere ya go. 

And for those interested i picked up a random naruto manga (Not like i can kepe it for more than four weeks) and kenshin at the library :P

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Saying it right..

I can't get happy right now and it's bugging the shit out of me, it's the weekend... and it's a day after i've sorted out hefty issues.  I shouldn't be this way.. but again it's probably cause there's shit for squat in the jobs section... and i'm spending another day more in winter in a country that we can't properly heat the house.  The electricity can't handle the Heat Recovery Ventilation system we put in, so when mom and i are in our rooms respectivley running both heaters, the two pcs and my external plus whatever else... we blow the circut board and have to reset the fucker.

Right now, it's like 40 degrees F in my room, with no heater on and nothing else going.. I'm in the office/moms room on the main pc with the heater on 2, and its' like fucking cold outside, barley above 32 F and it's freaking snowing.  It's only depressing me because it's cold, and it's raining and it's snowing.. and it's never gonna stick and people cancel all their plans based on this .. notion of NOT being able to drive in the snow. Some IDIOT plowed a car into a house up on the hill..

I HATE it here.

as much as i love my mom and my stepdad.. i want to leave asap... but this whole "Well you have to get yourself out of whatever you're in" business is what's tying me to the ground. Sean told me, "You are the one that has to do the work to get YOU out of whatever it is you're in" basically..

It's just the usual crap that's attaching to me, leeching my energy off and selling it to  others lol.. but i guess like i just told hide-chan, when it comes to him and rob? ... I'll give them my energy for free, because even though i hate my situation and i hate living here.. i'd sacrifie shitloads just to make them happy.   I know it's selfish sorta to say that i won't give blood to like a blood donation place (that's cause i'm chicken) -- but i would to either one of them... it's mostly cause i trust them, and i know their predicaments .. and why they ever might need it. 

I like being happy yes, and i hate being depressed.. but i guess like tonight it takes helping someone else to make me a bit happier and realize i'm not in as much shit as i think i am... Though. having muses that don't love me anymore doesn't ever help : D. (That's anotehr story entirley! lol)  I've mostly just been down as well cause this story i'm trying to write, i have no way of knowing if what i'm doing is right or wrong... and i'm parcticularly picky about being in charachter and shit like that. I really am, i used to beg people to let me know if my hide muses were IC or not.  (Punky: ME? IC? Naaaaaaaaaah : P )

bah i gotta go in fifteen minutes and i've done nothing but bitch all night.

gomen nasai rob, cause i've been a whoreish bitch all night since i was bored and down >>;  i'll try and amuse myself with stupid stuff tomororw : D (Crappy movies don't help : D)
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Catch me while i'm falling.

I'm allowed to have semi depressing entries, i need to write about things or else i bottle them up and just try and stay happy.  Even as a girl i do that, i was like that all day today.  Things are slowly... Things...  Yea, *sighs* i don't miss being a 'guy' ... but i miss the essence of one thing.  Having someone close, really close.. so close they can touch your soul -- no matter what yo ufeel about them...  just someone that can inch their way and put an impact there.

It's not that i don't have someone like that now, it's just ..........it's different when the other person loves you.  Even if i never loved maria the way she did me -- I dont know maybe i'm just tired and overthinking.. but i miss her, and i let her go completley.   But i'm not going to put her back on my list, because i can't mentally or any other way handle being around her.  What was ... 'me'  as a 'male' .... was hers, and what's me as a female... albeit ... tomboy as it is,  is not.     A better way to put it is... he wouldn't mind blurring the lines a bit.. but that's because he was the one that got the near-fingering in the common room.. he's the one that found it cute she'd talk about nuclear fusion on the phone. 

But because of me as a whole, he couldn't love her like she did in return.

Everyone's got two sides to a coin, but not everyone's able to permanatley stay as one or the other.  In fact, even trans people are still two sides to a coin, they're just different sides.  My two sides are the fact that i'm a more masculine female in general, i'm a tomboy... but i'm a geeky otaku tomboy fangirl lol.

This is where it blurred the line of what was real or not on wanting to be male.  I didn't want to be labelled as a lesbian, because i truly didn't feel i was one.. I had a few female crushes in my life, including a possible person i fell in love with. But now that i look back, my friend Jack in texas is right ...  ON the whole i'm more interested in guys.  On the whole, i am still interested in being cheeky and cleaning myself up for someone i like.

I couldn't stay around maria because she would still have an image of ... "him" in her mind. Even the proof that david still gets neck kisses...That's not something he's comfortable with...............and nor would i be at this point.   (Though, to say that "he" or 'Justin' wouldn't is a complete lie.. there is that part of me that still wants to die a little from screwing up.  Even now, i'm trying to keep myself level ... it's not that i'm not allowed to cry -- but this isn't something worth mooring over.) it's over, and i'm moving on... it's just i have days where i'm reminded of everything we did. I did my first rampant roam around town since we broke up.  I went into shops we used to go into, shops that we giggled about stupid tools that looked so girly...  shops that we swore societie's hold on things were such an issue.  Shops that, basically reminded me of everything we did together.

How can i be so childish about this in the end? ... I'll never know, but evidently my childish nature isn't such a bad thing after all.

I'm just.. tired.  Really tired.
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Dum dum dum dum dee dummmm!!!

Ok since i'm too brain dead to ask anyone over MSN cause i've been kinda embarrased about this... I.I .............yea. me and my embarassment over this stuff is cause i've been sick for two days, and i have ADHD... so if i don't ask people, i feel like it's just my brain throwing things at me.

PART of why i couldn't sleep right away last night is it felt like something was in the room.  I'd felt like i'd heard things.. but not audibly via the actual room, but almost as if ... in the back of my mind.   I wanted to post this cause i want to make sure it's not just me and my "omgz i've had a fever since yesterday afternoon!"

It felt like something was touching my face and almost as if someone was holding onto my sides and such.....And with that ....... i want to mention that things i'd been hearing are the things that make me beleive it's just that i'm sick and i have adhd lol.  Cause i hate being a faker, and i HATE it when it's just my mind playing tricks.. But i'd been hearing "Wake up..."  "Tetsu..." "Wake up.. "   (and i'd been hearing it off and on all night)  and sometimes "TETSU" would be almost like a scream... I want to try and watch one of the PMK eps to double check it isn't the same voice off tatsunosuke's seiyuu. (Cause i've seen the whole series, chacnes are it's just my mind playing tricks)

On top of that if i shut my eyes i'd see things, and which by now the only thing i can remember is a few faces which i can't make out anymore, i think i saw skull-like forms, almost as if a mask? ....  And other things which just i can't make out anymore...  I saw many things but again i'd have to repeat last night.. i wasn't even meditating is why i'm posting this. I'm afraid to ask anyone cause i'm sure it's just my head playing games. (And i told my ex girlfriend we shouldn't talk anymore, so i don't have the option of asking her lol.)
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i am so damn tired of my mom making me do everything for her.
just because i live under her roof does NOT mean the following:

that i have to go to church
that i have to volunteer for church
that i have to do all of her freaking work
when i got my own life to run

I'm just really sick and tired of my mom doing this to me, it's not like it's harmful or anything i just can't fucking say no. I can't leave, i can't get my ass out of here because i'm treated like i'm 15 and no responsibility. Maybe i'd learn responsibility if she'd treat me like i was my age, instead of a teenager... when i was a teen i was treated like i was a dumb-ass ten year old who still couldn't do things for herself... Mainly because i was blind, and was stupid enough to think that i was sinning so goddamn hard i had to go to church weeks on end ... and do things with church.

WELL I AM SO SORRY THAT I AM NOT YOUR PERFECT LITLE CHILD MOTHER.

Seriously, i'm getting tired of being this little mold of what she once was..

I WANT TO LEAD MY OWN LIFE WITH MY OWN IDEALS, MY OWN GOALS... NOT BE MY MOTHERS BIPOLAR 2 SHADOW...

I feel like all i am is my mom's shadow, really.. this is the worst feeling right now. Why does this come about? Because i'm doing shit day in and day out, that I DONT want to do... As much as i enjoy my family, adn the people they're involved with (The people at church are not horrible people, i just am not religious like that ... and i'm not christian anymore either!) I just am TIRED of doing all this WORK for the church -- if she wants me to give back to teh community, why the fuck don't i go do something else ? OH WAIT. i'm sorry dunedin is full of churches and the only thing to do is volunteer in a church.

I can't leave.

I'm like chained to my bedroom wall it feels like.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN THIS WAY?

WHY am i the only one, and WHY can't i just leave? ..... WHY does it have to be that everytime i turn around she's controlling everything i do.. like i'm attached by strings. And the people i willingly give leashes to, as i say... end up accidently choking me, on the account that my mom's got me up by strings adn chains ... and i can't move.

I have no independance.

Well i do.. but it feels like i don't.

Seriously, even as much as i love my mother, and i enjoy her when things are on the upswing... I'm tired of the downswing, i'm tired of being dragged around to every fucking church event. I had that with my grandmother, and my father... i am TIRED of being in the church-- tired of being told i'm needing to change my ways because it's either un-lady like or un christian.

That's PROBABLY why i wanted to be a guy in the first place... was an excuse to throw it back in people's faces that i was tired of people telling me to stop being who i was.

But why can't i say no? Why can't i just fucking walk off?

"You have ADHD, you need to stay at home you can't take care of yourself" "You have ADHD, good luck .." .... ADHD is a disorder YES, but it is NOT something that can't be controlled. I'm tired of people giving me the reason that i can use it as an excuse, cause it's not. I can't understand why people seem to say that cause my ADHD is so fucking severe that without medication i'm screwed. I'm sick of it. And yes, i'm probably making mountains out of anthills again... but if i don't freaking vent... how else am i going to calm down? I can't say no, i can't say yes... because the desicsions are all being made for me.. and my own descisions are classed as irresponsible, and are the cause from my ADHD.


and phone conversations?

I feel like if i'm seriously upset over something i'm not allowed to make any "upset" towards my mother's situation

  • I have to do the church website all on my own.
  • i have to volunteer to do things every week practically...
  • i'm claimed to have bitched about "TIME ONLINE WITH FRIENDS" (When she gets 16+ hours on weekends doing SL)
  • I"m claimed to have an attitude problem towards everything ...

this is just a minimal example of what goes on when i'm angry or she's angry.   This is really annerving the shit out of me, she reads me wrong every fucking time.

the first time she forgets her keys is the first time i'm expected to go "8D I LOVE YOU MOM HERES YOUR KEYS"

but when I FORGOT them the first time "Oh well that was really smart, be more responsible"

for fucks sakes WHY am i constantly being decided for, being dragged on like a 3 year old?  Somedays i wish i really wasn't here, i mean i don't right now ... i'm relativley like "passe'" or whatever, i want to be here.... like still living, i ain't dead inside... but I'm angry, and i'm lonley because i'm stuck in a place i don't really enjoy.  And i'm tired of this ... tired of this dumb fucking game i have to play. maybe someday i'll grow up.

maybe someday i'll grow up to be just like you mommy.
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Devious Journal Entry


Makoto Fujiwara Paint
by ~Fuctrack on deviantART

MUAHAHAHHAHA MAKOTO! HE .. ER UH. IS HERE? : D
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I AM UBER FREAKING CUTE LOVE ME.



Uhm HI : D i'm addicted to gaia, and i'm jill : D
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Anyways lol.. the post isn't anything to do with me being down .. just slightly frustrated..

OI . YOU . YA YOU. THE ONE WITH THE CLOUD HAIR CUT. STOP CALLING ME JUSTIN DAMNIT LOL.

Things aren't as bad as they always seem i tend to blow things a little.. sometimes a little too much out of a glass bottle when i'm down. And this is usually where i get confused etc..

But ya know, i'm doin ok. I'm realizing, i'll get where i need to get when i'm supposed to.

I need to learn to be more responsible before i move to LA. and Rob and i discussed this because we feel that hide needs his space for a bit to settle in, while i clean up my act a little. He doens't need a mindless teenager on his hands.

I am saying this because his current roomate is a pain in the ass, and isn't something hide needs to deal with. At this moment, he doens't need an over sexed alchoholic drummer slathering on him. It doesn't matter what this guy really wants, he's invading rules and isn't paying attention to the whole of hte needs of that household.

I have bills to pay and money to save... before i can be moving off.

Oh and a best friend to pull out of his closet. YES. I will get sean to admit he's more gay than straight publicly eventually : D i'm such an asshole : D

And yes hide, i know i dont totally look/act like a girl.. but that's the point i'm a damn tomboy XD this just means i can freaking dress up and not complain i'm crossdressing XD XD XD XD

: D i'm a bit miffed i dont have anything decent to dress up in lol. TEACHES ME FOR SELLING MY DRESSES .. @_@ wait they didnt fit, and i was tired of owning a cheongsam, and by now i'd rather have a proper kimono rather than a damn cheongsam >>;
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Name ideas..

While my real name fits me with it's meaning, i wouldn't mind finding another name. Y'know something that just fits, and something that conceptualizes the fact i'm two sides to a coin but one person lol. :D Any ideas?
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Answering the call to change.

So what's a girl to do when she changes from being transgender guy back to girl even withtout going on hormones? ... Finding that the support is lacking in the deparments she expects it from the most.

Not like i'm suprised. I think this might be the thing that proves to me i'm stupid enough to expect i'm gonna be hide and rob's friends forever. I'm always doing stupid shit that makes me move away from people i really thought i'd be friends forever with.

hide and rob have their own shit to deal with, why would i expect them to want to remember to stop calling me a he? .. let alone help me find a name that fits better.

It's hilarious. many people are like "I'm glad you've decided not to transition, i would've supported you anyways, but this is you, you are you.. you can't change that." And even the people closest to me from when i was kid, said the same stuff...

but i've gotten "You don't act or sound like a girl" from others.

That's no help. I can't really bitch about it, cause that's not fair on the person who said it, cause hide's finding himself at a time of need too.. and i want to be there, but i'm trying to finish off my journey quick so i can help him..

Y'know i just want to be happy finally.. i want to stop stressing over stupid shit so i can grow up. I need to know stupid litle things about what i am before i move on... this in no means has shit to do with my past life, that's obviously never gonna come to me cause i obviously probably did something really stupid.

I just figure being a girl has it's ups and downs, and if i'm happy with it.. i can be that masculine female type.. but not be a dyke.. cause i REFUSE to be one. I'm just a stupid tomboy who never grew out of her jeans and tshirt look.

Right now i can't get a name that fits me.

I can't seem to tell people i'm a "she" because some peopel just won't lsiten. I DONT act like a stereotypical girl, ASK all of my previous friends.. ALL of them. I've roleplayed guys all my goddamn life, and everytime i roleplayed females... i seriously couldn't handle it. My mom was never stereotypcially a normal woman either, so when i grew up frilly was out of hte question.

Yea when i was a kid i liked pink... what girl doesnt.

I don't anymore in the same way, i mean i used to WEAR pink when i was a kid.. now i avoid it like the plague. I wear black, red and grey usually. I have a punk-goth sort of style when i'm not looking like a gamer geek in my flannel overlay look. It's more of a tomboy-gamer-goth-punk type look i'm into. I just don't have the money to upkeep it.

I'll wear skirts when i want. If i want.

But right now it'd be nice to see some people start to realize this is me.. i don't ACT much different. I'm relaxed now, i'm less depressed.. yea i'm still getting over my relationship with maria a bit.. but that's more just because now that we're friends i'm having hard time keeping me from wanting to go over there and cuddle with her.

I'm the same person.

I'm just not split into two sides anymore.

Why can't those who can't see this, see this? ... What's bugging me is that they're right next to me practically, while one is in georgia the other is in missouri.

I don't care that it's only been what 3 weeks since i said this... it'd been on the tip of my fucking tounge for six months. I stayed split/guy-mode because i was still in a relationship, i couldn't do it anymore.. i stopped because it wasn't me. I was having to CONVINCE myself this is a road and a path i must take for acceptance. BULLFUCKINGSHIT, i can be as guy-like as i damn well please.. i can be whatever the hell i want.. i'm a girl yea, so what.. i'm me.

If there needs to be some sort of FUNERAL for my chosen name, and my guy side SO fucking be it. I'm just frustrated that such a MENIAL fucking change, is making such a ruckus. I'm ME people ok?

I'm me, the girl with the pink tights on her head and the hawaiian lei on top... finger up her nose and her tounge out. (Ok i have a photo of me with said pink tights and lei. XD. a few photos to be honest.) I'm the girl with the hide tshirt on, the three plushies who wont stop being annoying.. and the never ending supply of things to make for rob and hide...

I'm still that same idiot that was in that chat room fluffin it up to try and be more masculine... and damnit, even i was stupid enough to admit to Rob that i was a girl the next day. I couldn't lie.

and hide hates it when people lie, and what do i do? i tell the god honest truth and neither beleives me.

It's just a wording and name change. I'd expect that people would beleive this wasn't much more, i act the same practically, and i look the same.. and i sound the same. I'll still burp and fart, and crack stupid sex jokes.. i'll still look at leather biker jackets and go "Hmmmmmmm OOO YAH YA YA COOO L : D" I'll still hate shopping for bras and underwear cause they're annoying and too frilly for me.

All in all.

just stop callin me "he" .. and help me find a name that damn well fits.. it's all i ask. In everything i do, the only thing i ask is just ONE small thing.

If that's too big i don't know what comes next..
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Me admitting stuff to a list

*sighs* I'm not entirely sure how to put this lol.

I've been doing a lot of random... ya know soul searching, mainly
because my girlfriend put a lot on my mind when we were together. Maria
stirred my brain a lot, and constantly challenged things. Even more so
when i found i had a crush on a friend of mine in Missouri, and she was
ok with it... because it wasn't going much further than that.. and it
was serving to open me up more. (That and she's polyamorous.

.. which
isn't a bad thing, but i never found it worked well.) Well, after the
events of her leaving me abruptly, telling me kinda she didn't believe
that i still cared. (That's me giving the fair version of the events,
it's never fair for one to give the nasty nasties) ... and me kinda
telling her i did, and that i understood she didn't want me back... and
yea, from there i lost her friendship lol.

I had decided originally around Wednesday/Thursday, to change a lot of
my stuff back to "female" cause i decided "maybe i need a break, maybe i
need to reorganize things, my head .. and things I've said.". And I'd
been doing a lot of thinking, cause i recently had to leave school to
find work and get unemployment (Speaking of which, i must call before
they suspend my benefits and tell them my job searching has been sucking
due to lack of positions) .. And you know, i do tend to sometimes over
think, and wonder a bit too much.

In this, whenever i flit on accident.. between ideas..i don't mean it
like I'm about to create a massive lie. I have warned people who are
friends with me i have attention deficit, and this has been told to me
that we feel emotions differently than others, sometimes more than
others i guess. (I don't know? lol.) And sometimes when i think things
over, sometimes things become over dramatized. And i think this is
where i begin to understand that i most likely am not the man i thought
i was, but more so a girl with a helluva lot of boyish and man-like
tendancies... that really made me think originally that i was a guy. I
do alot of writing, and i do alot of random roleplaying.. so sometimes
as that happens, my charachters sometimes make me what me and my friends
call "insane" lol... And i think i threw myself into a situation i'm
glad i did actually.. Because admitting that i could've been was the
step to fixing the self esteem issue that i now am learning to deal with.

Not meaning to be offensive or anything to anyone.. you're all super
SUPER super supportive. And i'm REALLY glad that when i chose to go
through with all of this, that you all have been there. I know it's
not the right thing to do to throw myself into something i may not be,
but i've learned that i dumbly take the hard roads first... and realize
the easy road was easier and smack myself for it later. And i know that
i said alot of things when i was first getting peer support that lead me
and many to think i was indeed an ftm. But i'm not sure that's really
my road in the end.

And i'm sorry for such a long email my friends... you know i'm long
winded and brain dead and lol... just..

I wanted to let everyone on this list know that ALL the information
everyone has posted, and EVERYTHING i learned when i thought i was dead
set on this... You know i really respect everyone, and everything that
goes on. I did not mean for this email to be an email saying "Nya nya
nya nya" or anything like that, i was merley simply informing.. (MAYBE
TOOO MUCH! LOL) Of what was going on.

If this means i should be taken from the list, i do not mind at all
because indeed i really do nothing more than lurk usually anyways.. and
sometimes about 75% of my mail goes in the trash when im' too lazy to
check for something important.

Anyways, hope i didn't offend.. do anythign wrong in the writing of this
email..
Gender pronouns on me don't matter what ya call me she/he whatever ..
still call me justin if you want... but i'm less liable to kill someone
now if they call me by my legal name than before lol.

Jya Ne!
J.

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Drunkness is always the way to go.

lol. don't we always love cheap alchol when it's on sale.
various things happen when you are drunk..
you say shit you aren't sure you mean.. (but probably dooo)
and then .. boom you can't sleep, clowns might eat you..

....and you remember you threatened to kiss your best friend sitting in front of you..

man i'm weird.
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What could you possibly see in me?
Is my soul hung out to dry?
I think my dysfunctional family has shaped it throughout my life.

What could you possibly like in me?
Do you like my ability to bend?
I think my fear of intimacy has shaped the time we spend.

No it's not you, it's me
and it's not us, it's them
and it's not her, it's just the way she moves you?
and she kisses harder than me, oh she kisses harder than me.

And I've always looked in through your glasses,
but all I could see, is the spectre of me reflected
the empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.

What could you possibly love in me?
Is it the way I wear my smile?
It hangs from the tip of my tongue you see, oh this might take awhile.

No it's not you, it's me
and it's not us, it's them
sure it's not her, it's just the way she moves you?
and she kisses harder than me, oh she kisses harder than me.

And I've always looked in through your glasses,
but all I could see, is the spectre of me reflected
the empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.

ooooooh, ooooh- aahhh, me, oooooh, oooh, me- ooooh ooooh, me- oh, oh, oh, oh, ooooooh

And I've always looked in through your glasses,
but all I could see, is the spectre of me reflected
the empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.

And I've tried to look in through your glases,
but all I could see, was the spector of me reflected, the empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.
--------------------------------------------

Yea, this totally cept for the "Cheating" notion reminds me of what i feel when the old "EX" refuses to listen to me about everything that went on.  Though, i crack up, because i'm less hurt than her.. Must be because i noticed how much it wasn't going to work when all i was doing was hoarding my feelings over to helping hide and rob..  Sometimes being the fourth wheel sucks, but ya live with it.

Other than that?

I dont know.

I'm probably stuck being the 40 year old virgin, and  dateless lol.
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So yea...

This is the new shit. This is the new shit.
>>; hi.

I don't have anything to say right now.
leave a message in the comments.
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